By Jana Roller
I want you to know how much I love you. Like really love you. The stand outside your window with a boom box type of love.
I am in love with you.
The first time I realized it was when I fell broken into pieces on the floor and wrapped my arms around you. The anger, shame and hate for myself started to fade away as I ran my hands down my arms, legs and stomach. For the first I saw you have always been the strong one.
You were there for me. Always you were there for me and I blamed you. I hated you because you didn’t fit my standards. I hated you for your uniqueness. I didn’t understand your beauty then. I was ignorant. I took my anger out on you. I beat you down with diet after diet, and binge after binge. I tried to mold you into something your not. I blamed you for not changing. In my eyes it was your fault that I was the way I was. I didn’t have to change, you had to.
What I realize now is you were keeping me safe. All those years you stayed with me. No matter how hard I was on you, you still loved me, cradled me, protected me and kept me together.
Now I see you. I see us. I see how strong you are. I see your resilience and I respect your boundaries. I understand finally that you were loving me all this time while I threw my garbage at you.
You were just waiting for me to see that we are one and to welcome me home to you. This is where I am now.
We belong together. God granted you to me as a gift and I will treasure you forever. I see your beauty. Your flaws aren’t flaws. They markers of universal perfection. Like words in a book, they tell a story. Every scar, dimple, wrinkle and tiger stripe. Brush strokes on a canvas.
I am so sorry for all that I put you through and I promise this day forward I will do better. For us.
We will be strong. We will be brave. We will be daring. We will be empowered. We will be fearless and fierce.
You and I, we will be great. From this day on I will love you hard AF, I will give you what you need. This time it’s my turn to care for you.
My perfect body… I got you.