I Wanted to Give Up

By Marsha Vanwynsberghe

Where I am today is not where I was many years ago. And where I am today is not where I’ll be years from now.

Change is constant.

Although for many years it felt as though nothing was changing. The first few years of fighting with substance abuse in our home with our teens were truly some of the worst years of my life. Playing small became my coping mechanism. I hid from everything and everyone. Work, family, friends, home . . . everything was hell. I honestly wanted to give up because the pain of watching the gong show was too hard to bear.

I lost the fighter in me. She was tired of fighting and of faking her way through life. That’s what I was doing. Faking everything – my smiles, my emotions, and my words. One big fat lie.

I’m glad I lost the fighter in me because she was the reason I was so stuck. The fighter was the one trying to control and fix everything. She was fighting a losing battle. She was spending every single ounce of energy on trying to fix something she had no ability to fix and ZERO energy on the things she could control. That being herself. Sound familiar? I know I’m not the only one who’s done this.

I literally felt like I split into two people and I had to, in order to see it.

When I broke down, and laying there on the floor begging for answers, I heard a voice say, “Stop.” I listened and over and over, I kept hearing the words “stop.”

I realized that the energy I was putting into fixing everyone around me was not being utilized at all AND it was taking away from any energy I could give back to myself to create change in my life. . I was the one wasting the energy and I was the reason I was on the floor. No one else. I had to chose to do something differently if I wanted a different result. Trust me, I WANTED a different result.

I am grateful I gave up being the fighter. Now those of you who know me are going to say a big BS right now because I am still a fighter. I will battle for a cause or an injustice but I’ve stopped fighting battles that aren’t meant for me to battle.

When I decided to add a purpose to this chaos, EVERYTHING changed. My mindset, my words, my energy, literally everything. I had hope for the first time in years.

I also realized that we can’t teach on anything we haven’t experienced or learned. I learned so much over these years and I understood that these lessons weren’t for me. They were for me to share to lighten the load for others. I didn’t have many people to help us in our early years because no one wanted to talk about drugs, boundaries, kids, and families. No one. That’s how I found my voice.

You can find your voice too . . . when you are ready own your story, create your boundaries, and let go of the fighter in you to finally find peace in your life, then you will be ready to rewrite your story.  Sometimes we have to give up “our way” in order to find a better way.

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Marsha Vanwynsberghe

Author, Speaker & Life Coach

www.marshavanw.com

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